Sunday, April 15, 2007

God Fucking Bless The Internet

You're all very lucky to have the Internet.

In this day and age, anything you want to know is at your fingertips. It takes people mere hours to explore new subjects, introduce themselves to new ideas, and form new opinions. What used to take years of devotion and dedication can now be followed vividly with just weeks of mild enthusiasm. Politics, religion, literature, art, music, cinema, sports, you name it, the Internet's got it all. You hop on Google, plug in some key words, and get informed.

Now that you know everything, you probably want to let everyone else know you know. Once again, the Internet's got you covered. There was a time where, if you wanted to validate your opinion about something, you'd have to write the editors of magazines and newspapers and maybe your opinion would see print. It was that, or go to school for journalism and get paid to be opinionated. Today, you just hop on the Internet, whip yourself up a nifty little blog, and start clickety-clackin' away on your keyboard, setting all those opinions free for millions to read.

In an age where everything we want is ours in minutes, where we're constantly exposed to information from the second we wake up until the second we pass out, where everyone's opinions are clearly expressed on the bumper of their cars, we need the Internet for release. You can't have a really serious, opinionated conversation about abortion or gay rights or the government at work, because that line is always there: the one someone's bound to cross, where normal, healthy conversation becomes a poison-fueled, defensive argument. You can't cross that line with people you potentially see every single day.

That's where the Internet comes in again. On the Internet, it doesn't matter what the fuck you say or who you offend saying it, because nobody knows you here, and when you have anonymity, you have freedom. You have the freedom to say what you really think, how you really feel, to an audience you really don't know and really don't give a shit about. That's "Internetegrity." Here, you can be the you you can't be out there. Here, you can speak the truth- no, fuck that!- you can shout the goddamn truth in everyone's face and spit out those little bits of opinion stuck in your teeth after devouring information like a wolf tearing into a gentle fawn.

It's like one of those insanely-violent nature documentaries: not quite snuff, not quite beastiality, but somewhere in between and fucking close enough. On the Internet, you can verbally assault people who can't defend themselves and jerk off giggling while doing it. You can call Pat Robertson a cocksucker or Ann Coulter a cunt (even if you'd still fuck her six ways from Sunday just to say you did), and for every faceless name that thought you were a douchebag for saying or even thinking that there'd be another faceless name cheering you on for being "brave" enough to speak the "truth."

And that's the crux of "blogging," probably the first and last time you'll ever see me use that term. Internetegrity is about being able to turn your opinion into the God-fucking truth. It's about being able to take your shame and hide it in your lower right desk drawer with all your barnyard midget porn. It's about being yourself for people you don't know so you can be someone else around the people you do. It's about freedom and release while being violently, verbally abusive with public figures and not giving two tugs of a dead dog's cock about it. It's fist-fucking everyone else with a handful of acid-tipped razorblades made out of words and opinions and rubbing salt in the cuts.

We're all very lucky to have the Internet.